unrequited love

If Only For One Night…

September, 2002.  I don’t recall ever being as focused and productive in my life. I took on the challenges of each new day like a badass mercenary. I was unstoppable. It did not matter what came up at work or at home, I was up for it. The way I saw it, each new day brought me closer to the big day.

The day Courtney and I would cross our own boundaries into our magical place of refuge…each other.

The anticipation was killing me.  I found myself answering my work phone on the first ring in hopes of hearing his voice…of knowing the specifics of the plan. I got my wish a few days before the big day…he called with details.

“We have a suite at the Riverfront Marriott on Monday the 23rd.  I will arrive early in the day for meetings.  You come over when you can.  There will be an envelope for you at the front desk.” he paused, “but get there as soon as you can, I want as much time as I can have with you.”

I was speechless.  It was happening.  It was really happening….I had no reservations about crossing the threshold of infidelity.  I’d already darkened the door to the other side many times over with Greg at work.  But this was Courtney.  This was different…this was the love of my life.  I didn’t know if I could I ever walk away from him again.

“Hello?  Tess are you there?” he asked

I quickly responded, “Yes!  Yes I am here.  Just thinking.  Taking it all in…that’s all.”

“Are you having second thoughts?” he asked.

“No” I replied.  “Not at all.  I can’t wait to see you.  I do worry that I may not be able to walk away again.”

“Tessa, we will be fine.  We can handle this.  If it gets too much, I will be the one to stop it before it goes there. I’ve got us. Okay?”

That made me feel better.  I’d always been the one to shut it down.  I’d been the one to walk away.  I felt safe knowing he would take care of us…that I didn’t have to.

I’d been planning my fake out-of-town meeting for a week  before my husband took notice.  I told him over dinner one night and then casually brought it up again a few days later.  He seemed uninterested and asked if he needed to pick up our son. As I was about to answer, he said, “So you’ll be gone on the 23rd? Overnight?”

“Yes.  Remember?  I told you last week.  There’s a training in Savannah on Tuesday, I will have to go down there on Monday evening.”

He looked irritated, “That’s not going to work, Tess.  Remember, I have my safety conference in Boulder that week. Someone needs to be here for Nick.  Your parents hate driving on this side of town, so you need to stay. I am not cancelling my plane reservation last minute. Maybe you can do the training another time.”

I felt like I’d be punched in the gut.  All of the air was sucked out of my balloon. I nodded in agreement and made my way to the kitchen to wash the dishes when it hit me.  He will be gone for a week…in Colorado…halfway across the US.  I can still see Courtney.  I thought further…I will have Nick stay with his friend overnight and all will be as planned.  Hot Damn, Van Damme!  You can’t keep a good girl down.

The next day, when I spoke to Courtney, I told him about the near miss.  He chuckled, “we should cancel the hotel reservation and I should just come over to  your house.”

We were both silent as we pondered the scenario.  I laughed…then he laughed…then we were silent.  And then I said, “Sure. You should come over.”

And it was settled.  We decided to take it there…yes….there.  Nothing like peppering in more spice to an already volatile mixture.  I felt it was safe…John was flying out on Sunday morning and I would have verification he arrived long before Monday evening.  Courtney could park his car in the garage where it wouldn’t be seen.  We could actually “play house” in my house, doing all of the naughty things one should do at their domicile.

Monday arrived and I was calm.  Very calm.  I arranged for Nick to stay over at his friend’s house and made my way home from work.  Courtney was planning to come over around 8:00, when it was beginning to get dark, but not so late it would alert any of my curious neighbors.  I opened the garage about 7:50 and he arrived at 8:00 exactly.  I stood in the doorway to the kitchen as he got out of his car.

“So this is what coming home to you would feel like?” he muttered as he walked up the steps into the house.  He threw his overnight bag on the floor and took my face in his hands.  “A man could get used to this, you know?” and he overtook me with a kiss that made me stumble in my stance.

I took him on a tour of the house and we ended back in the kitchen, where I’d made us some appetizers to nosh on.  He made us both a drink and we stood there…staring at each other for the longest time.

“Are you sure about this, Tess?” he asked.  I nodded.  “Yes”

And with that affirmation, he pushed me up against the wall, pinning me with his body, unbuttoning my blouse, exposing my red lacy bra. Within seconds, my shirt was off…his shirt was off. Then my skirt.  His pants.  We stood there and admired each other.  I dropped to my knees and took him deep in my mouth.  His head fell back and he let out a loud groan.  He grasped my hair in his hands and pushed me into his body.

“My god you are amazing” he whispered as I continued to take him deep in my throat.  My knees were sore from the cold floor below and I didn’t care.  I wanted nothing more than to be with him…in that moment. I wanted him to feel immense pleasure.  After a few minutes he pulled me up to my feet and walked me into the bedroom.

He carefully guided me to the bed, opening my legs with his.  Softly kissing my breasts down to my navel and then to my sweet spot.  He held my legs open onto his shoulders as he made me cum over and over.  I had not had orgasms like that in years and I began losing my voice from screaming so loudly.  He rolled me over onto my stomach where he traced my spine with his tongue.  Over and over.  I almost came unglued.  It was beyond sensual and I was lost in him again.  It was like it was before, only better, more intense, more mature.

He pulled me up to my knees and pushed himself inside me, taking my breath away just as he did the first time we were together.  He filled me.  All of me.  We fell into a rhythm as we made love on my bed.  We fucked for hours in every way possible, making up for our eight year hiatus. In between orgasms we talked and spooned and dozed off.  He stroked my hair and told me about his life.  About his kids.  About his job.  I did the same.  Neither of us were miserable in our ascribed paths, but neither of us were really happy. .

We watched the sun rise that morning, as we did on our first night.   I made us a cup of coffee and we drank it, tangled up together in bed.  We took a shower and got ready for work.  I could barely walk and I was exhausted…but I was fulfilled.  Complete in a way that I’d not been in years…eight years to be exact.

I watched him leave from my driveway with a sense of longing.  I wished we could have made a life together, but maybe this is how it is supposed to be…maybe some things are too good, too intense. They burn at too high of a temperature.  Maybe this was the only way “we” could be “us”.

I’d not paid any attention to his CD.  Our evening was so incredible, that I was lost in him and had no recollection of the songs he’d put together for us.  I took it out of the stereo and popped into the car for my drive to work.  And as I pulled out of the driveway, “If Only for One Night” came on.

It was apparent that he finally understood what I’d figured out eight years before…we could never get it together to be together, but we would never be over.  Even if it were just one night at a time…with eight years in between…that was enough.

It was enough. If only for one night…

one-night

(Photo credit, Pinterest)

Across the Universe

making love

Jake was my biggest temptation.  Seeing him again was risky, but worth it to me.  We planned to meet on a Friday afternoon after lunch. Wednesday he texted me and asked if we could talk.  I worried that he needed to reschedule.  I wondered if he was having second thoughts about going further.  Reluctantly, I called him.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I am well.  Looking forward to Friday.  How about you?” I said.

He paused, “I cannot wait to see you.  But I need you to do something for me.” His tone was almost playful.

“Sure.  What do you need?” I was expecting him to ask me to dress up in another cosplay ensemble, maybe a naughty nurse?

“I need to get inside your head.  We’ve experimented and explored so many things.  Our passion is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  But I want to go further.  I want know your deepest, darkest fantasy.  The one you won’t tell anyone about.”

I was speechless.  I didn’t see this conversation coming.  I didn’t know what to say.  Before I could fumble a response he said, “Let me give you something you’ve always desired.  Tell me.  There is no judgment.  There is no shame.  Tell me what you want”

And hearing his voice.  Knowing how I felt for him.  Knowing that we were connected on a metaphysical level neither of us understood.  Knowing how deeply I trusted him, allowed me to finally verbalize my deepest, darkest fantasy.  It’s one I’d attempted to share with others, but never truly felt comfortable revealing with anyone.

“I have a rape fantasy.  Some call it consensual non-consent.  I want you to take me in a manner that almost makes you uncomfortable…fucking me as you please…making me do whatever it is that you want.  Not listening to my pleas…disregarding my protests.  I want to be consumed by you.”

He confessed that he suspected as much.  We had been edging towards intense BDSM play and he could sense that need in me.  “We need a safe word, for both of us.  If we become uneasy at any time, either of us can say it.”

Jake and I always discussed safe words, so this was not new.  But this time, he also gave himself the option of a safe word, in case it was beyond his own boundaries.  That was completely different.  This was not a typical scene.  This was not our lighthearted role play.  This was going to be unlike anything we’d experienced together.

Friday arrived and I was a nervous wreck.  I didn’t know what to expect. He texted me at noon and gave me his room number.  He was working until 1:30, so we made arrangements to meet at 2:00.  I arrived at his hotel right at 2:00.  Just as I pulled in, he texted me, “I am stuck at work, in the middle of a security drill.  Should be there in 20 minutes.  Get a key from the front desk.  I’ve called them and told them you are coming.  So sorry.  I will be there as soon as I can. Remember, red is the safe word”

I felt a sigh of relief.  Even though I’d asked him for this fantasy, I was scared.  Aroused, but frightened.  At least, I would have a chance to mentally prepare for our time together before he got there.  I retrieved the key from the desk and went to room 204.

I opened the door and walked inside.  The curtains were drawn making it dark. The beds were freshly made and I saw his open suitcase on the luggage rack. Even though he had to be at work at 4:30 am, he still took the time to neatly fold his clothes.  He was a meticulous creature of habit.  I put my purse down on the table, kicked off my heels and laid down on the bed, taking a quick respite before his arrival.  The pillow smelled like him.  I pushed my face deeper in the pillow, taking it all in, when I felt a hand on the back of my head holding my face down.

He had been hiding in the room the entire time.  My heart raced and I felt a sense of panic. (And I confess to you..I loved it!)

Holding me face down in the pillow he yanked my pants off, destroying the zipper.  He never said a word.  He reached up and ripped my lacy blue panties off, in one motion.  I felt his bare skin on mine as his hard cock grazed my leg.  He grabbed a handful of hair, pulling my face out of the pillow and completely pulling me off the bed.  I lost my balance and scurried to stand.  Still holding onto my hair, he pushed me down to my knees and forced his immensely large cock down my throat.  I wasn’t prepared and it caused me to gag.  He pushed ever deeper.  For a moment, I couldn’t breathe and my eyes watered as he brutally fucked my throat.

When he had his fill, he pulled me to my feet and pushed me down, face first, onto the bed. Quickly spreading my legs with his, he filled my hole with his cock.  He stuffed himself inside as far as he could.  Holding me by my ass, he fingers penetrated my flesh as he rammed my cunt violently.  I was beyond aroused by how forcefully he took me.

“You like this, don’t you slut?  Answer me or I will make it hurt.”  I quickly answered yes and he pulled himself out of me.  He rolled me over to my back and forced my knees up to my shoulders.  He held me wide open as he began fucking me again.  I was slick with desire, loving this torment. His thrusts penetrated every inch of my chamber, hitting the end every time.  Without word or hesitation, Jake pulled his large cock out of my ravaged cunt and forced it into my ass.  He assaulted my tight hole over and over, taking it without permission or remorse.  I gasped in pain, which seemed to fuel his desire.

“Take that cock. Take it all. Take it all, slut.” he growled as he pummeled me.  I could tell he enjoyed seeing his large cock fuck my ass.  I was completely vulnerable as he had his wicked way with me.  He slid three fingers inside my swollen lips, finger fucking me as he took my ass.  I groaned with pleasure and soon he filled me with his load.  He collapsed on top of me and we both lay there, silent.  I didn’t know what to say and it hurt to move.  After a few minutes, he got up, took me by the hand and led me to the shower.

“Was that what you wanted, baby?  Are you okay?” he asked.  His brooding eyes showed deep concern as he softly stroked my face.  I nodded, speechless from what we’d just done.

He stepped into the shower and guided me in.  He lathered and washed every part of my body.  When I attempted to reciprocate, he stopped me, “this is your time” he whispered.  He carefully washed and rinsed my hair.  He then helped me out of the shower and wrapped me up in his robe.

I nuzzled myself into the shape of his form as we took a short nap.  I awoke to him massaging my sweet spot, demanding my orgasm.  We made love for the remainder of our time together, losing ourselves in each movement.  There were few words spoken between us, as they were unnecessary.  Our communication was on a spiritual level.  We bore our souls that day, sharing one of the most acutely intense experiences I’ve ever encountered.

The evening rapidly arrived and it was time for me to leave.  That was the last time I saw Jake.  We spoke a few times after that day.  We even made plans to get together again, but schedules got in the way.  I went with a new phone company that required I change my number.  I toiled with texting him to give him my new number.  In the end, I decided not to, and I didn’t keep his contact information.  And I’ve struggled with that decision.  If the Universe feels we should reconnect, it will find a way to happen.  It always does.

The last text I received from him before I changed my number, was a link to a song with this message “When I miss you, I listen to this.  Do the same for me.”

He was born to love me.  I was raised to be his fool.