lost love

Dried Flowers

You churned the dirt

And planted the seed

From within

You saw her need

Hidden well

Far below

She longed for air

She longed to grow

At first the garden tended well

No worms, no weeds

No petals fell

She sprouted forth

So alive

Blossoms opened

And she thrived

But after time

It all passed

For without air

She’d not last

No food to nourish

Or sun to shine

Planted in a bed

Wasting time

The stem it droops

Her petals dried

The blossoms fall

The flower dies

It’s too late now

To sow the seed

To water, to nourish

To kill the weed

And looking back

Who’s to blame?

The sun, the earth?

Or the lack of rain?

If Only For One Night…

September, 2002.  I don’t recall ever being as focused and productive in my life. I took on the challenges of each new day like a badass mercenary. I was unstoppable. It did not matter what came up at work or at home, I was up for it. The way I saw it, each new day brought me closer to the big day.

The day Courtney and I would cross our own boundaries into our magical place of refuge…each other.

The anticipation was killing me.  I found myself answering my work phone on the first ring in hopes of hearing his voice…of knowing the specifics of the plan. I got my wish a few days before the big day…he called with details.

“We have a suite at the Riverfront Marriott on Monday the 23rd.  I will arrive early in the day for meetings.  You come over when you can.  There will be an envelope for you at the front desk.” he paused, “but get there as soon as you can, I want as much time as I can have with you.”

I was speechless.  It was happening.  It was really happening….I had no reservations about crossing the threshold of infidelity.  I’d already darkened the door to the other side many times over with Greg at work.  But this was Courtney.  This was different…this was the love of my life.  I didn’t know if I could I ever walk away from him again.

“Hello?  Tess are you there?” he asked

I quickly responded, “Yes!  Yes I am here.  Just thinking.  Taking it all in…that’s all.”

“Are you having second thoughts?” he asked.

“No” I replied.  “Not at all.  I can’t wait to see you.  I do worry that I may not be able to walk away again.”

“Tessa, we will be fine.  We can handle this.  If it gets too much, I will be the one to stop it before it goes there. I’ve got us. Okay?”

That made me feel better.  I’d always been the one to shut it down.  I’d been the one to walk away.  I felt safe knowing he would take care of us…that I didn’t have to.

I’d been planning my fake out-of-town meeting for a week  before my husband took notice.  I told him over dinner one night and then casually brought it up again a few days later.  He seemed uninterested and asked if he needed to pick up our son. As I was about to answer, he said, “So you’ll be gone on the 23rd? Overnight?”

“Yes.  Remember?  I told you last week.  There’s a training in Savannah on Tuesday, I will have to go down there on Monday evening.”

He looked irritated, “That’s not going to work, Tess.  Remember, I have my safety conference in Boulder that week. Someone needs to be here for Nick.  Your parents hate driving on this side of town, so you need to stay. I am not cancelling my plane reservation last minute. Maybe you can do the training another time.”

I felt like I’d be punched in the gut.  All of the air was sucked out of my balloon. I nodded in agreement and made my way to the kitchen to wash the dishes when it hit me.  He will be gone for a week…in Colorado…halfway across the US.  I can still see Courtney.  I thought further…I will have Nick stay with his friend overnight and all will be as planned.  Hot Damn, Van Damme!  You can’t keep a good girl down.

The next day, when I spoke to Courtney, I told him about the near miss.  He chuckled, “we should cancel the hotel reservation and I should just come over to  your house.”

We were both silent as we pondered the scenario.  I laughed…then he laughed…then we were silent.  And then I said, “Sure. You should come over.”

And it was settled.  We decided to take it there…yes….there.  Nothing like peppering in more spice to an already volatile mixture.  I felt it was safe…John was flying out on Sunday morning and I would have verification he arrived long before Monday evening.  Courtney could park his car in the garage where it wouldn’t be seen.  We could actually “play house” in my house, doing all of the naughty things one should do at their domicile.

Monday arrived and I was calm.  Very calm.  I arranged for Nick to stay over at his friend’s house and made my way home from work.  Courtney was planning to come over around 8:00, when it was beginning to get dark, but not so late it would alert any of my curious neighbors.  I opened the garage about 7:50 and he arrived at 8:00 exactly.  I stood in the doorway to the kitchen as he got out of his car.

“So this is what coming home to you would feel like?” he muttered as he walked up the steps into the house.  He threw his overnight bag on the floor and took my face in his hands.  “A man could get used to this, you know?” and he overtook me with a kiss that made me stumble in my stance.

I took him on a tour of the house and we ended back in the kitchen, where I’d made us some appetizers to nosh on.  He made us both a drink and we stood there…staring at each other for the longest time.

“Are you sure about this, Tess?” he asked.  I nodded.  “Yes”

And with that affirmation, he pushed me up against the wall, pinning me with his body, unbuttoning my blouse, exposing my red lacy bra. Within seconds, my shirt was off…his shirt was off. Then my skirt.  His pants.  We stood there and admired each other.  I dropped to my knees and took him deep in my mouth.  His head fell back and he let out a loud groan.  He grasped my hair in his hands and pushed me into his body.

“My god you are amazing” he whispered as I continued to take him deep in my throat.  My knees were sore from the cold floor below and I didn’t care.  I wanted nothing more than to be with him…in that moment. I wanted him to feel immense pleasure.  After a few minutes he pulled me up to my feet and walked me into the bedroom.

He carefully guided me to the bed, opening my legs with his.  Softly kissing my breasts down to my navel and then to my sweet spot.  He held my legs open onto his shoulders as he made me cum over and over.  I had not had orgasms like that in years and I began losing my voice from screaming so loudly.  He rolled me over onto my stomach where he traced my spine with his tongue.  Over and over.  I almost came unglued.  It was beyond sensual and I was lost in him again.  It was like it was before, only better, more intense, more mature.

He pulled me up to my knees and pushed himself inside me, taking my breath away just as he did the first time we were together.  He filled me.  All of me.  We fell into a rhythm as we made love on my bed.  We fucked for hours in every way possible, making up for our eight year hiatus. In between orgasms we talked and spooned and dozed off.  He stroked my hair and told me about his life.  About his kids.  About his job.  I did the same.  Neither of us were miserable in our ascribed paths, but neither of us were really happy. .

We watched the sun rise that morning, as we did on our first night.   I made us a cup of coffee and we drank it, tangled up together in bed.  We took a shower and got ready for work.  I could barely walk and I was exhausted…but I was fulfilled.  Complete in a way that I’d not been in years…eight years to be exact.

I watched him leave from my driveway with a sense of longing.  I wished we could have made a life together, but maybe this is how it is supposed to be…maybe some things are too good, too intense. They burn at too high of a temperature.  Maybe this was the only way “we” could be “us”.

I’d not paid any attention to his CD.  Our evening was so incredible, that I was lost in him and had no recollection of the songs he’d put together for us.  I took it out of the stereo and popped into the car for my drive to work.  And as I pulled out of the driveway, “If Only for One Night” came on.

It was apparent that he finally understood what I’d figured out eight years before…we could never get it together to be together, but we would never be over.  Even if it were just one night at a time…with eight years in between…that was enough.

It was enough. If only for one night…

one-night

(Photo credit, Pinterest)

Suspended by Time and Space…

I apologize for my long absence.  I’ve been held captive.  Against my will (in a way even I don’t like).  Responsibility has had her long claws in me and I’ve not been able to break free for some time.  But with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season behind me, I have managed to escape to share more of my tawdry tales with you.

A couple of posts back I wrote about the first time I fell in love.  His name was Courtney and we had an incredibly hot, tumultuous relationship that lasted for almost a year. We loved fiercely.  We lived together. We broke up.  We got back together.  Repeat.  Over and over again.  After months apart, I decided another reconciliation was too much for my heart to handle.  But he called me one evening in December and I agreed to see him one last time.  It was Christmas Eve, 1994, and we planned to have lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. Since it had been months since we’d seen each other, I wanted to look especially hot for our date.  I wore a tight red sweater with a plunging neckline, a black pencil skirt with black thigh high tights and boots. I simply “forgot” to wear panties. My hair was long and wild.  I walked into the cafe and our eyes met.  That man always made me smile.  He hugged me and I felt whole again.  I knew we wouldn’t work…we had tried so many times before and failed, but it felt so good to be back in his arms.  Neither of us ate much, as we were captivated by each other’s presence.

After lunch, Courtney took me on a drive in his new Land Rover.  We visited a secluded park by the river.  It was empty, as most people were home for Christmas Eve.  Without words, without prompting, we both got out of the front and moved to the backseat.  He hiked up my skirt and opened my legs, revealing my lack of panties.  He grinned as he pulled my hips towards his mouth.  Almost instantly, he made me cum and I longed to have him inside me.  He pulled me on top of him and I straddled his hard cock as we gazed into each other’s eyes.  He brushed the hair back from my face and said, “I have missed you so much.  Let’s try this again.  I want you to move back in with me.  We will make it work this time.”

I looked into his eyes as he pushed himself deeper inside me. I wanted to say yes.  I wanted to be with him, but I knew we would fall apart again. I nuzzled in his neck and whispered, “I want nothing more, Courtney, but this will be our last time together.  I cannot go back.  We aren’t meant to be long-term.  We both know it.”

His eyes seemed to well-up for a moment as we continued to make love.  He knew I was right. We had an amazing afternoon together and soon it was time for me to go.  I had a date later that night and needed to get ready.  The guy was a smart, but boring, safe choice that I later married.  I felt sick as Courtney and I said our goodbyes, but I pulled it together and dressed for my date, all the while, thinking of the steamy afternoon.

As I mentioned, I married the man I saw later than night.  We never had the passion I shared with Courtney, but he was stable and easy to manage.  I grew bored early in the relationship, but focused my frustrations, putting more time into my career and then into being a mother.  I managed to stay on the straight and narrow for several years until a handsome co-worker lured me to the dark side.  Once I crossed that threshold, there was no going back.

One fall afternoon in 2002, I ran into Courtney’s mother at the hospital.  She was a nurse and I was there to see a patient for work.  We hugged and reminisced about days past.  She told me Courtney had finished school and was managing a region of dialysis clinics.  She said he was married with two daughters.  I smiled.  I was happy for him.  It sounded like he had found happiness. I told her to tell him, “hello” for me next time she talked with him, and we parted ways.

The next morning I received a call at work.  It was him.

“Hey Tessa, it’s me.” he said.  I knew his voice immediately.

“Courtney!  It’s so good to hear your voice.  How are you?” I replied

“I am better now that I know where you are.  I am coming to see you.  What are your lunch plans on Thursday?”

I felt a nervous tinge in my stomach…he always caused me to have butterflies.

“I’m, uh….free.  And you know I’m married, Courtney” I said.  Thinking back to our last lunch, I knew where things could go.

“Of course I know you’re married. It’s lunch, Tess.  Between good friends.” he assured me that it would just be lunch.  Nothing else.

“Okay.  Do you want me to meet you at the cafe?” I asked.

“No, I will pick you up at work, around noon.” he said.

“Okay, here’s the address.  It’s 21…” and he interrupted me…”I talked to my mother and then I called you…I do know where you are, Tess.  I will be there on Thursday. Can’t wait to see you!”

I was a ball of nerves for the rest of the day.  It was Tuesday.  I only had two days to prepare.  Thursday arrived and I got to work earlier than I’d ever been. I was so nervous.  So excited.  So curious to see how he looked.  Eager to breathe in his cologne.  I’d dressed to impress and paid careful attention to my hair and makeup.  I wanted to look good for him.  I wore a dark chocolate brown sweater that showed my form, with a sexy (but work appropriate) skirt and heels.  My hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail.  I looked professional and sexy.

I was completely distracted by his impending arrival. As the morning dragged on, my eyes were on the clock and then the door. Each time the door opened, I looked up from what I was doing to see if it was him, feeling disappointed when it was someone else.  At 11:45, I heard the door open and I looked up to see him walking in.

My heart stopped.  He was even more handsome than I’d remembered.  Tall.  Lean. Impeccably dressed.  He swaggered in with purpose, wearing a camel colored leather topcoat, a crisply ironed shirt and slacks.  He had grown a goatee and his thick hair was cropped short.  The receptionist was giddy as she greeted him.  She was smitten with his dashing looks and charm. She directed him to my office and before I knew it, we were locked in an embrace.  The embrace of an old friend, the familiarity of an old lover, the sensuality of a love suspended by time and space.

“You are beautiful, Tess.  Just stunning.  Motherhood agrees with you.” he said.  “You haven’t aged at all, you look amazing.”

I pulled back from him and gazed into his magical eyes.  “You look great, too.  So handsome and professional.  It is so good to see you.”

“Are you ready for lunch?” he asked, extending his hand to me.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, taking his strong hand in mine and following him out of the building.  He guided me to his car, a shiny black Porsche.

“You finally got your dream car!” I said, as he put me in the passenger seat.

“Yes, I did. And I love it! It took a long time to make it happen, but some things are worth the wait, you know?” he grinned.

We drove in silence to the cafe.  I was secretly hoping he would turn off on the road to that deserted park and that lunch would be “funch” instead.  But, as promised, we went to lunch. I could barely eat a bite, I was so excited to be with him.  He didn’t eat much of his meal either.  Mostly, we talked about what had happened in our lives for the last eight years.  He was in a convenient marriage, just like me.  He had two girls.  I had one son.  We compared notes on our careers and the conversation lagged.

He put his hand on mine, “I think of you every day. Every single day. I have missed you, Tess.”

“I think of you a lot too, Courtney.  But we both have commitments now and things are different.” I said. (I hated saying it, but I at least wanted to try to appear responsible and in control of myself)

“I know.  You are right.  I just wish we’d tried one more time.”

“Well, we didn’t.  And here we are.” Once again, I tried to stay on the right path.

“Here. We. Are.” he said, with a sly grin.  “I have to see you more often.  Even if it’s just for lunch. You are a part of me and I need to have you in my life.”

“Okay.  How do we do this?” I asked.  “How do we see each other, but keep a safe distance?”

“We don’t.  There’s no need for distance, Tess. We know where we are in our lives.  We can do this. We set our own rules and our own boundaries and agree to respect them.  What do you think…can we see each other sometime?”

I lost myself in his gaze and before I could stop myself, I nodded and said,  “Yes we can.”

He drove me back to the nursing center and walked me to my office.  Kissing me on the forehead, he whispered, “I will be back in 2 weeks.  Come up with a reason to be gone overnight…a meeting…a conference…something.  I will be in touch soon.”

And he walked out.

I was weak in the knees as I collapsed into the chair behind my desk, letting out a long sultry sigh.  Immediately, I fumbled through my calendar in anticipation of our reconciliation.  Which day would work best?  When will he call to let me know?  How will I manage an overnight?  My mind was going a hundred miles a minute when my office phone rang, bringing me back to reality.

“Hello, this is Tess.  How may I help you?” I answered.

“Make plans for the 22nd/23rd.  I will call you again soon,” he said. “It was great seeing you today.  Until next time, baby.”

As I put the phone down, I turned to that page in my calendar and circled the dates…grinning to myself.  It was going to happen.

(To be continued) 

the-date

(Photo credit, Pinterest)