You know, the Rolling Stones will tell you that ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’….and they are mistaken.
As much as I love Mick and the boys…they got this one wrong. You can get what you want. You just need to know how to ask for it. And I am here to help you…
There are those types who are able to learn things the easy way. They read instruction manuals. They change their air filters every 30 days. They even check the batteries in their smoke detectors on a regular basis. They tend to make well-informed decisions. They color in the lines. This type of person usually understands what they want and they take the well-traveled, well-lit, path of least resistance towards their goal.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this type of persona. I admire them. I wish I could be more like them. But I fall into a completely different category.
I have to figure out what I don’t want to understand what I do want. I must take the long route to my destination. I need to sample everything on the menu to figure out what tastes good. And I have certainly done that in my love life. Did it and loved it. Did and it and liked it. Did it and thought…what the hell was I thinking???
It has taken me quite a while to embrace who I am. Over the years I have kissed many princes, a few princesses and a ton of frogs…but I emerged from the disheveled beds of lovers past to find my true self. I share this with you to illustrate that it may take you time and trial and error to figure out what you like. It is not always an easy path, but the destination is well worth the journey.
There are few scenarios that led me to this place of self-discovery (which spiraled me into self-indulgence…but we will save that for another post). From an early age, I knew I was different than my friends, with a different perspective on life and a much more liberal but grounded view of sex. I knew I wanted to try everything. I wanted to know what felt good. How to make my partner feel good. And in this quest, I longed to take risks. Whether it was sex in a public place. Sex with more than one. Sex for hire. I knew I wanted to live on the edge. I guess you could say that I am my own version of an adrenaline junkie. The lesson here for me, the underlying theme…I like the thrill of the risk. I like to teeter on the edge of danger.
How do you ask your lover for danger? How do you translate this need into your ‘day-to-day romp in the hay’? How do you verbalize that you want to be choked to the brink of unconsciousness, without them looking at you like you are an alien life form? Without them worrying they could hurt you? How do you ask him to carve his initials in your flesh, without him stealing a side glance to look for his getaway car? The answer is simple.
Choose a partner whose demons play well with your demons. For all of us kinky motherfuckers out there…this means, make sure their kinks align with your kinks. It is likely that two sadists won’t play well together. Not to say they couldn’t…it’s just that one person may walk away hungry, while the other is full…when both should be sated. Do you feel me? Not saying you should dump your mate if they’re not into what you’re in to…but look for the compromise. What’s the common ground? Maybe he is not comfortable with breath play that involves his hands around your throat…but he is turned on by gagging you with his cock deep in your throat. For those of us who like breath play, this may work as a great compromise. He likes. You like. Everyone is happy.
Communicate openly and honestly with your partner. This can be difficult. What if you want something that you are afraid to verbalize to anyone…even your lover? And that risk of rejection and humiliation keeps you from uttering the words…Take for example, my fascination with knives, needles and sharp objects. I am not a cutter. I have never tried self-mutilation or anything of that nature, however, I find it erotic to have my lover “puncture” my skin. It’s about giving up the control to another..the manifestation of release as the point breaks my skin. And I enjoy watching the wound heal. (For any shrinks reading this…I may need to privately message you). This is something I like, but rarely engage in with my One. He is not comfortable cutting me, as we have tried it, however, he is adept at inflicting just enough pain and puncture with the Wartenberg wheel, for me to be satisfied. It works out. And I am happy.
Stay present and in the moment. This can be challenging for some..myself included. There are usually about ten random thoughts buzzing about in my brain at any given time. When I am being fucked, my head isn’t always in the game. Not that it’s not good…it could be that it is very good and I am trying to figure out what is making it so good, so it can be repeated. But get out of your own way…relax and enjoy the moment. Relish in the pleasure. Don’t try to over-analyze. Just learn what feels good. And then tell your partner. (You could even take it to another level and add in some dirty talk) When they know you like something, they are more apt to do it.
Let go. Let go of all of the bullshit. Let go of your doubts. Embrace your beauty. Embrace your body. The softness of your skin, the warmth of your breath, the wetness of your sex. Let go of your hang-ups. Evict the negativity from your brain, and indulge in the pleasure. Let go of your fears. If there’s something you want, ASK FOR IT. You will know when the time is right. Tell your lover your fantasies. Lose the fear of rejection or judgement. You may need to learn how to translate your desires in a way they can understand. I often talk about my fantasies as a lead in to foreplay. As he kisses my neck and I know where we are headed, I may whisper in his ear, “I want to feel your warm load all over my face tonight. I’ve been thinking about it. How I would look. I want you to take a picture so I can enjoy it too.” Yes…that is a little risque for some. And it may not be your cup of tea…but this was something I wanted. And guess what? I got it. (I really got it. And on a side note, be careful and don’t get it in your eyes. It burns.)
It Is a Two-Way Street. The best way to get what you want is to give. Give your partner what he wants. Learn what he likes and give it freely. And before you over-think this concept, remember the art of compromise. He may whisper in your ear that he has always wanted to see you with another woman. And this may be something you are not willing to do. It may not appeal to you at all. Now what? I am pretty open to this idea, but would be hesitant to act on it. I mean where does one randomly find another woman willing to play with you and your mate for an evening…that doesn’t cost you a fortune? With that being said…if I were in this situation, I would ask him to open up about what he wants to see and take it from there. “I want to watch another woman make you cum. I want to see her face buried in your sweet pussy. I want to watch you lose control.” Even if the fantasy was not possible, I would respond with something like this…”I can feel her soft lips on my nipples (as I fondled my breasts) moving down to my sweet spot. Her long hair tickles my legs and her mouth is wet and warm on my skin. (I would begin touching myself for him to see). Tell me what you want to happen next.” Acting out this scenario (without the other woman) helps to give him the fantasy without making you uncomfortable. It may or may not be enough for him. Regardless of what happens next, you have responded to his needs. You have listened to his desires without judgement. He feels comfortable sharing what he wants with you…which opens the door for you to share what you desire. It’s a win-win. Not all fantasies come to fruition. And that’s okay.
Just remember this…there are very few mind readers out there. It’s probable that neither you nor your lover have this superpower. Simplify. Just say what you want. Listen to what they are saying to you. Be responsive. Go all in, or find the compromise that satisfies you both.
Now go forth, kinky motherfuckers. Go get what you want.