ass up

“Real” Sex-The Eyes Have It

It’s pretty obvious that I am one naughty girl, with quite a bit of experience under her skirt.  I’ve seen and done it all (well, most of it) and lived to tell my tawdry tales, here with you.  My goal is to be as detailed as possible, not to leave out any tempting tidbits for you to savor.  It goes along with being a bit of an exhibitionist, I want to share it all with you.

Being honest and transparent, there are things I do leave out.  Most of what I omit is minor and would not affect the story in any way, shape, or form. To keep it concise, I leave out details that serve only to drag out the story line.  Things I consider to be “fluff”.  And well…some details…they are funny as hell!  I’ve left most of these out of my raucous recollections, because I did not want to detract from the debauchery of my torrid tales.  But there are some scenarios that are worth sharing.  So I have decided (with some encouragement from my soul sister, Lennon Carlyle) to share the funny shit that’s happened along the way.  For those following along at home, these undignified gems will now appear in a new category called, “Real” Sex.

Here goes…“Real” Sex-The Eyes Have It

There was the bodybuilder I met at the gym…Tony.  The married one.  We had a fling for almost a year.  He would often ask me to wear something specific for the evenings we got together.  It may be a short skirt.  Or maybe thigh highs.  Or maybe he would ask me to go commando.  One particular evening he asked me to wear a short dress and heels.  I complied. I wore a tight, form-fitting black sheath that proudly displayed my assets, with my highest black strappy stilettos.  I’d just had my hair cut and it looked fabulous.  My full, pouty lips were harlot red.  But I couldn’t stop there.  I decided to “vamp” it up a bit more by wearing some false eyelashes.  These black beauties evolved my look from hot co-ed, to Sex Goddess.  I was stunning in my ensemble (sans panties) and walked into his place like I owned the joint.

I could tell he was impressed.  He looked me over and then…out of nowhere, he tied my hands behind my back with cable ties.  He whispered in my ear, “I am going to fuck you till you can’t walk tomorrow, baby.  You knew you were going to get it…coming over here, looking so damn sexy.  I am going to give it all to you.”  He lifted my dress, spread my legs open and began an evening of decadent pleasure.  He had me bent over his leather couch, face down-ass up, as he took control of me and took me over and over.  His endurance was unbelievable and the man just kept fucking me.  No breaks to change position.  No coming up for air.  He ravaged me like the slut I was, without mercy. And I loved it.  By the time he finally had an orgasm, the back of my dress was up around my shoulders, my hands (still behind my back) were almost numb, my legs were shaking and I was practically balancing on my head on his couch.  My newly coiffed hair was a sweaty, sopping mess and it was stuck in long strands, to my face.  But nevertheless, I was quite pleased with myself for taking such a pummeling, hands bound, in heels, without ever flinching.

He had been so into the moment that he didn’t realize that I was helplessly suspended like that on his couch.  He quickly tended to me and cut the cable ties, freeing my wrists.  He pulled me out of that awkward position (I had been unable to move because of how my arms were restrained) and flipped me over to face him.  He pulled the hair from my face and then….

In a look of absolute shock and horror…he backed away, as if he was startled by something.  I felt my face and realized that in the intensity of our fuck-fest, the eyelashes on my right eye had come off of my eyelid and found themselves stuck to my upper cheek…just under my eye.

I looked like Alex from “A Clockwork Orange”


I peeled them off of my cheek and we laughed our asses off.  While we sat there, I went ahead and pulled the other one off because I could sense he was preparing for another round.  And no sooner had I removed the lashes…that he removed my dress and it was on again….and again.

And here’s a detail worth sharing…he had me keep the heels on.

heels in bed

By the time I left his place, the once gorgeous Sex Goddess looked like a brunette Cyndi Lauper on crack…hair matted to one side…runny makeup…remnants of eyelash glue on her face. But that’s okay.  It was a good night and.after all, as Cyndi says…

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun…

Oh yes, they do.  

The Good Girl’s Guide to Anal…

I will openly, honestly and unabashedly admit it….

I love it in the ass.

There is something about anal that is so primal.  So taboo.  So dastardly.

I know that most women (let me clarify I hate generalizations like “most women” but know that I am speaking from my pool of friends and acquaintances) don’t regularly allow visitors in the “back” door.  They reserve this entrance for birthdays or anniversaries.  Or let’s be real…if your man cleans out the gutters, or refinishes the floors…he deserves anal, if he wants it.  But still…letting him fuck you in the ass is usually reserved for special occasions.  

Why is that?

Is it because you just don’t like it?  He doesn’t like it?  Is it because it’s perceived as being wrong or immoral?  Is it because you are uncomfortable with the mechanics of it…after effects, etc?  Because if approached properly, it can be amazing.  I don’t know if anyone else reading this has had a g-spot/anal orgasm simultaneously, but it is something you will want to celebrate.  It’s so fucking good, you may find yourself calling your mom to tell her about it.

Let’s open up and talk frankly about the ass.  The single most important thing  when engaging in anal is to make sure there is proper lubrication.  You cannot skip this step.  It is the difference between disaster and bliss.  It is imperative that you are well lubricated or it won’t happen again for 10 years, regardless of the gutters or floors.

Make sure you are clean.  As women, we often stress over our bodies.  And I will digress off the anal over to oral for a quick minute…but have you ever not enjoyed having someone pleasure your orally because you were stressed that your ‘hoo-hah’ was less than pleasant?  I know I have.  Not that it needs to smell like Bath and Body Works, but we all want to be so fresh and so clean, clean.  Over the years, I have found ways to ensure I am comfortable with my scent.  I have not one time had a complaint from anyone who has been up close and personal or front and center with her.  And so I encourage you…make sure your back door is clean and then let your anxieties go.

Go slowly.  Being able to venture around back makes some men very excited.  Make sure your partner knows that this is a process that is not to be rushed.  I am more aroused if he fingers my ass first…and when using lubricant, it ensures there is a slippery path for his grand entrance.  Whether you are using a plug or a dildo, or the real thing…take it one inch at a time and don’t forget to breathe.  Stay in close communication about what feels good and what doesn’t.  It may take more than one attempt to go “all in” but it’s worth the try.

As you become more comfortable, try double penetration.  While he is tightly in your ass have him fuck your pussy with his fingers or a well-lubricated dildo.  Or better yet…one that vibrates so he can enjoy it as much as you do.  Now that’s what I call double trouble.

Remember this…there is a cardinal, hygienic rule when it comes to anal.  After entering the back door, he is NOT allowed to enter the front door, without first cleaning himself.  There are certain “things” that should not be mixed together and this is very important.  Front door first, back door second…good.  Mouth first, front door second and back door last…even better.  (I am not an ass-to-mouth girl…I am in healthcare and could never go there with what I know) But ass is always last.  That rhymes so it should be easy to remember.

So why not get a bit liquored up and give it a spin?  (First time is a little easier if you’re tipsy) Why not try something taboo?  Why not surprise your guy with a welcome mat for the back door….one that says, “Come in, we’re open.”

Who knows…he may clean out the gutters without one single reminder this year.

Ass up, ladies.  Make it happen.


(Disclaimer.  This post was written by a masochist.  Please note all references to pain or discomfort may be minimized given her unique and twisted perspective.)