Summer was hot that year. Scorching and unapologetic, much like my new state of mind. Outwardly, I remained cloaked within the confines of social norms, but internally, I was a savage. It was my personal season of exploration and I ached to experience more.
For several months, I’d toyed with online dating. I’d been pleasantly surprised on a few occasions and gravely disappointed by most of the others. It was a random hodge-podge of men. All ages with a host of diverse backgrounds. They carried with them different baggage but mostly hummed the same tune. It was exhausting.
Dates were always painful. The small-talk. The formality. The awkwardness. Hearing their story. Sharing my story. And then sitting there as they chatted on…inwardly doing a quick analysis to determine when the evening would end. I rarely showed who I was on these first meetings. Sometimes, I would feel like taking them on a test drive, but usually the night ended with a fleeting kiss in the restaurant parking lot.
There were a select few whose online profiles roped me in (no pun intended). Knowing what I wanted to explore, I sought out a certain “tone” the profile. I wanted a self-assured, intelligent man who was open-minded and a bit dark. I messaged with a few who turned out to be far too nice for me. Then I received a message from a gentleman that intrigued me, so I perused his profile. There were dark undertones throughout. I responded to his message with a playful tone and he responded accordingly. We chatted online for a few days when he closed one of his messages with a bold statement that demanded my attention…
“Tess, as much as I enjoy our chats, let’s cut the bullshit and be real because I sense something different in you. I know you feel it in me. What do you want from all of this?”
I read the message several times prior to responding. I knew who I was, but how do I express that to him. What if he thinks I am perverse? Deviant? And then I grew a pair and thought…fuck it. If he’s not into it…I will move on as I have every other time.
“If I am being authentic and real with you…I have just discovered that I enjoy pain, intense situations and I crave feeling vulnerable and exposed to my lover. And yourself?”
“Thanks for your honesty. I think we may be a good match…I am the beast that will tear you apart and put you back together again. I have felt you were keeping this from me and I am glad we know who we are. I would like to take you to lunch next week. When are you free?”
Free? That’s an interesting concept. I decided to further my reveal and answer him in a figurative way.
“I am free when I am bound. I am free when I push through my limits. I am free when I relinquish control to one capable of taking me to the dark places in my soul. And I am free on Thursday.”
“How long is your lunch hour?”
“I only work a half-day this Thursday, so it can be as long as it needs to be.”
“Good. I will be see you then.”
Thursday arrived and we decided to have lunch at my place. It was rare that I had the house to myself and I wanted to do naughty, kinky things in my own bed. At noon, my doorbell rang. I answered to find him standing there with a dozen long-stemmed white roses. He was tall and lean and much older than I’d realized I knew he was retired, but age never came up in conversation, as it was irrelevant. It was still irrelevant.
I went to the kitchen to put the flowers in water and to check on lunch. I’d prepared a tomato quiche for us to eat and it was almost done. After I pulled the quiche from the oven, he made his move towards me.
“I am not hungry for quiche, Tessa. I want you. I want to devour you.”
I faced him and peering into his blue eyes I said, “Consume me.”
My clothes ended up in a trail between the kitchen and my bedroom. I was completely naked. He asked me to get on the bed, on all fours. I did and then I noticed something…I’d been distracted by the flowers at his arrival and neglected to see the bag he’d brought in with him. I heard him unzip it and walk towards me.
“Put your ass up, Tess. Expose yourself to me.”
I did as he instructed, expecting a repeat of what happened with the sadist. Instead, I felt his warm mouth on my lips as he licked me from front to back. He had a firm grip on my hips as he went about his task with great fervor. I felt myself edging towards an orgasm, and he placed no restrictions on me. I came furiously in a fast frenzy of delight. He emerged and said, “Hold still. We are about to try something new.”
I felt the sting of the wooden birch rod across my exposed backside and I liked it. He followed the first blow with another…and another. “Tessa, this is a birch, it’s like a form of caning. Tell me how it feels.”
I was enjoying the sting of each blow and answered, “It hurts a little, but I like it. No broken skin, right?”
“No broken skin at all. But I am enjoying seeing the stripes on your ass.” And we carried on for a bit. He changed it up with a newly purchased riding crop. I LOVED the sting of the leather crop. I moaned in delight with each blow. I loved the sound of it. The feel of the leather on my skin. My entire backside was hot from the taste of the crop. He reached up to finger my hole and said, “My god you are so wet. You are aroused pain, aren’t you?”
He was right. My body didn’t lie…I loved it. He rolled me over on my back and devoured my dripping wetness. His face glistened as he emerged to kiss my mouth. He’d remained dressed up to this point. It was one of his kinks…me totally naked, him fully dressed. It was sexy.
“After tasting you, I cannot wait to feel you.”
He removed his belt and looked at me with a sinister grin. I was a bit scared that he would use the belt on me later, but he didn’t. He undressed and stood before me. He was very (VERY) well-endowed and his large cock was almost too much for me. Each time he pushed himself inside me, I felt like I would cum immediately. He instructed me to tell him when I was close to an orgasm. And I felt like I was there every few seconds. He was slow and deliberate. Together, we devised an intimate rhythm. And the orgasms were incredible. I noticed that he enjoyed watching my face as I climaxed as he carefully studied each expression.
“I love watching you cum for me. Next time, I want you to concentrate on looking into my eyes when you have an orgasm. I want to see into your soul.”
He went on to explain his theory that when someone orgasms, they are at their most basic and honest self. They shed facades and expectations. They revert back to a primal version of themselves. He wanted to look into my eyes as I revealed myself to him.
It was difficult for me, because that is a truly vulnerable place. But this was part of my journey, revealing myself in a vulnerable way. He expertly compelled another orgasm and my gaze locked into his. I came unglued, but held my position. He saw it all. All of me…as my breath quickened and my body shook in ecstasy…my eyes held his.
We carried on in this fashion for what seemed like hours. He positioned me as he pleased, having his way with my body. I was completely surrendered to him. I guess I could best describe our encounter as Tantric. It was as much spiritual as it was sexual.
After several hours, we were spent. We shared my bed and talked about our experience together. He was a retired philosophy professor and I loved listening to his take on things. He felt our connection was on a mystical level. And I would have to agree. It was a depth of physical/spiritual connection that I’d not had before. Sure I’d been with lovers that I connected with, some I truly loved. But this felt different. As crazy as it sounds, it felt holy.
We parted ways on that hazy Thursday and we’ve never ventured into that realm again. Distance and opportunity have been fleeting. I am sure our stars will realign someday. In the meantime, we are still close friends and confidants. He has proven to be one of my best friends giving me one of the best experiences I’ve ever had.
Once again, I was revealed as I searched for the enlightenment I craved.